


Be In My Eyes, Be In My Heart

by leominoris



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Na Jaemin, Asexual Character, Asexual Lee Jeno, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Na Jaemin, Other, Porn with Feelings, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:01:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28343577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leominoris/pseuds/leominoris
Summary: There is something magical about how perfectly they fit into each other's arms. Jeno doesn't remember when they switch positions but watching Jaemin underneath him, breath laboured and hair fanned out around their head like a dark halo feels as natural as having them in his lap or sitting next to him, shoulders and thighs touching.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 88





	Be In My Eyes, Be In My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> a few notes beforehand because i both feel like they're necessary given the tags and because i'm, frankly, terrified:
> 
> – i identify as aro/ace and non-binary and i wrote this fic because i wanted representation for the specific kind of "drawer" (or lack thereof) that i fall into. this fic is super self-indulgent, it's for me, it's meant to process some of the experiences i've made. its existence does not invalidate experiences of other asexual, aromantic and/or non-binary people!
> 
> – the sexual nature of the fic is important to its overall message (being aro/ace doesn't automatically mean not wanting sex or not wanting romance-like companionship—it can but doesn't have to!) but that being said i took care to be sensitive in my portrayal of jaemin and their gender identity in particular.  
> this fic isn't beta-ed, maybe reading it without what went on in my head it doesn't work out. if you feel hurt by it (or any aspect of this fic) and would like to have a conversation about it, my cc and twitter are linked below. i'm not infallible and if i can learn from this i would like to!
> 
> okay. enough covering my ass. thank you to lua and mari who kicked my whole thought process off!   
> also the title is borrowed from the lumineers' flowers in your hair which, full transparency, has nothing to do with the actual fic, it just gives me a warm, fluffy feeling and i think we all deserve to feel warm and fluffy right now.

"You'd like to try?"

Jeno fears a little for Jaemin's hands watching them skillfully toss the food in the skillet without looking. It shouldn't surprise him, Jaemin might just be the bravest person he knows. He would, however, like to argue that this brand of casual fearlessness isn't one he deems particularly necessary.

"If you don't mind," he mumbles and buries his face in his folded arms. There is a good deal of time spent embarrassedly staring at the wood pattern of their tabletop before Jeno finally risks a look at his best friend and roommate.  
Jaemin, sensing how flustered he feels, has turned away again, their broad shoulders rising and falling gently with their breathing as they return to cooking

Maybe some context is due. If asked, Jeno wouldn't know how to explain it, not really, but it begins a little like this:

At almost twenty-six Lee Jeno is a virgin. He corrects himself when he nearly says _still_ as if there's a time limit to be met. To be fair, Jeno is very content being a virgin. There is nothing wrong with not having had sex up until now. He won't pretend like he hasn't wondered what having sex would feel like but as he's come to realize over the years not much has ever prompted him to feel like that is something he needs to further investigate.

Jaemin he's known ever since they were children, back when they were both still small enough to fit into the cardboard playhouse they'd painstakingly fashioned with their dads, long before Jeno's father passed away and Jaemin asked their parents (very politely, Jeno remembers with a spark of pride) to address them by the name _Jaemin_ and as their _son_.

He doesn't know when the idea to consider Jaemin to sate his curiosity had come from, to begin with, maybe once he'd fallen irrevocably in love with them in spite of all of their worried warnings that they'd _never be able to give the same kind of love back_ , as if Jeno would want anything other than what they've been giving him for all their lives. Maybe it was after that unfortunate incident where he got back to their shared flat to realize that he hadn't told Jaemin he'd be home early and been subject to the very enthusiastic fucking happening in their bedroom, across the hall from Jeno's and even leaving as quickly as he had back then had made no difference to how his brain had latched onto the idea of what it might take to get that kind of soft, wanton sound out of them.

And maybe this is a strange thing to ask your best friend-slash-roommate-slash-the closest thing to a partner Jeno has. He wouldn't know, no one has ever really bothered to teach him the etiquette when it comes to these things. Jaemin's numerous hook-ups fulfil more of a practical purpose, they rarely talk about them and Jeno has never really seen a point in prying. If it were important they'd eventually bring it up.

Instead, it had been Jeno who had brought up the idea of sleeping together.

"For Science," he'd put it jokingly, though more than wanting to know what it feels like the suggestion had been rooted in wanting to be closer to Jaemin, knowing that he'd trust them not to push him too far, to take him by the hand and figure things out together. The prospect of that level of intimacy and trust had been what had well and truly anchored the idea in his mind, letting it grow for weeks before he'd felt the confidence to approach Jaemin about it.

Their hesitation, much like many things about their unconventional relationship and Jeno knows that, stems from the fear of disappointing, of what they're able to give not being enough.

"I'd make a horrible boyfriend, Jeno," they'd gently told him when he'd confessed.   
"I love you so, so much. But I don't think my brain really knows how to be in love."

They'd said it as if it made them faulty, like it meant that something about them was inherently broken and impossible to fix. It had broken Jeno's heart to hear it then, it breaks his heart to think about it now.

"If you're going to make an argument out of how I should save it for someone who can love me back or whatever, save it," he grumbles in an attempt to nip any of that sort of thinking at the bud.   
"I'm asking you because I trust you and because you're experienced and because I think I'd like to be close to you like that."

Jaemin, much to Jeno's relief, turns off the stove and turns around, leaning back against the counter. Their eyes are impossible to read even to him, even after all these years. It'd be unnerving, except for Jeno knows that no matter what, they'd never hurt him. No matter the answer, even if it stings at first, Jaemin will deliver it with love and care and that's good enough for him right now.

"Also I know you love me back already and that's all I want."  
The way Jaemin's nervous tension leaves their body is visible, their shoulders sagging and their soft exhale, even if inaudible, taking some of the worried lines around their mouth with it.

"It'd be an honour," they finally reply. Their smile is wide and soft and toothy and Jeno's mind only really catches up with him by the time he's gotten onto his feet and has crossed the kitchen, sealing their lips together.

🌼

They don't actually get to put their plans into motion for another week or so because first Jeno gets busy with work and then Jaemin's shifts have them either out of the house or desperately catching up on sleep. But just as Jeno starts resigning himself to the possibility that nothing will actually come of it Jaemin steps into the kitchen in casual clothes for what feels like the first time in forever, declaring that the art fair at the gallery they work at is finally over.

They cook and meal prep together for the coming week and then spend a good hour or so curled up on the couch playing video games and when Jaemin leans in to kiss him Jeno is sated and warm and happy and, most of all, eager to melt into their touch.  
Had Jeno known they'd be making out in his room when he'd woken up this morning he probably would've cleaned up a little. Not that he _has_ to, Jaemin has seen the place in worse state and if they wanted to judge him they'd have plenty of weightier reasons to pick from but suddenly, Jeno feels a little self-conscious.

What were these other people Jaemin has slept with like? Were their rooms neater than Jeno's? Or messier?

"I can literally hear the gears in your head turn," Jaemin hums and kisses at a spot right above Jeno's Adam's Apple.   
"Click-click-click."

Jeno laughs and shoves at their shoulder and although it earns him an unhappy squawk as Jaemin nearly falls off the bed they seem pleased with themselves, smiling roguishly at him as they clamber back onto the mattress and straddle him.

"If you're going to get lost in your head at least take me along with you!"  
"No! It's embarrassing!"  
"I've been your best friend for twenty-two years, Lee Jeno, how dare you presume I'd judge you for embarrassing shit!"

Jeno swallows and places his hands on their hips, enjoying the warmth Jaemin always emanates.  
"I… was thinking about whether–" He bites down on his bottom lip.   
"Whether the other people you've had sex with had neater rooms than me."

Jaemin blinks and takes a cursory look. Jeno watches with dread as their eyes glide over the overcrowded fresh laundry basket and the piles of books next to his bed to the pair of boxers hanging over the backrest of his desk chair.

"Don't look!" he complains and shakes Jaemin playfully.  
"You literally directed my attention towards it! What was I supposed to do, huh?!"

And when Jaemin curls themselves into his chest, giggling uncontrollably, Jeno feels like he's wrapping his arms around everything good and happy in the world.

"Of all the things on the planet you could want to use to compare yourself you choose how tidy your room is?"  
"I don't know, okay?!" Jeno whines and presses his face into Jaemin's hair. It still feels a little dry and brittle from years of bleaching it but Jeno loves the raven's feather colour of it.

"I literally cannot remember what any of my hookups' rooms looked like," they mumble into his shoulder and place a gentle kiss against his jugular before lifting cupping his face with their hands and lifting their head, eyes meeting.  
"And I can gawk at your room any other day of the week. Right now I'd much rather think just about you."

And here's the thing: if Jeno weren't helplessly in love already, this is probably how he'd fall. Instead, he surges up, slotting his lips against Jaemin's and gently coaxing their mouth open until he can slip his tongue against theirs.

There is something magical about how perfectly they fit into each other's arms. Jeno doesn't remember when they switch positions but watching Jaemin underneath him, breath laboured and hair fanned out around their head like a dark halo feels as natural as having them in his lap or sitting next to him, shoulders and thighs touching.

He wants to preserve the sudden awe with which he realises how easily Jaemin bares themselves to him, the long, elegant column of their neck at full display, fingers interlaced with his, their shirt shoved up far enough to expose the arch of their ribs and the gentle swell of their chest.

One wrong touch and he could hurt them in ways he can't even imagine and once again he realizes that just how this is a big deal to him this is a big deal to them too.

"Hey," Jaemin hums and squeezes his fingers gently. Their eyes are clear and bright as they look up at him.   
"If it makes you feel a little better we can do it like this. It's probably a little less scary than me pegging you."

Jeno blushes violently and feels his cock twitch in his boxers at the thought, even if, he agrees, the idea of it is a little overwhelming even if he doesn't doubt that he'd be in perfectly safe hands if they took things slowly.

"I-if you're okay with that–"  
Jaemin fondly rolls their eyes and their hands twitch a little in what must be the restrained version of grabby hands. Jeno complies wordlessly, kissing them again.

"First rule of today, if I offer something I'm okay with it and I mean it– wait, no. First rule of today is: if something feels weird we ask the other to stop, no shame. _Second_ rule is don't question Jaemin when they offer you something because they're aware of what they're asking for." Their chapped lips pull into a wide smile against Jeno's own.

"Also, rule one still applies no matter what, so if I change my mind I'll just let you know and we're good."  
Jeno nods slowly.

"Use your words too, please?" Jaemin demands gently and coaxes his mouth open for another languid kiss, which Jeno thinks isn't a particularly well-thought-out course of action.

"Okay," is all he manages when they finally pull apart and he has a few seconds to hungrily gasp for air, the faint aching for oxygen in his lungs dizzying. "Got you."

"I've never done this with anyone either," Jaemin admits quietly.   
"Like. Not being on top. We can figure this out together."

🌼

Here's a truth about first times: more often than not, they're fumbly and a little uncoordinated. Even with two decades' worth of friendship, Jeno feels clumsy as he pushes Jaemin's boxers down their legs, ridding them of their last item of clothing. He's already completely undressed and to his big relief Jaemin's eyes largely stay fixed on his face, examining his expressions carefully.

"A-and now?"  
"And now you let me get up real quick to fetch a condom before we forget and get annoyed about it later," they hum and peck him chastely on the lips before sliding out from underneath him, leaving Jeno watching as the sunlight filtering past the half-open blinds paints stripes over Jaemin's skin.

"No latex allergy, right?"  
"Not to my knowledge. You probably know that stuff better than me anyway."  
Jaemin grins at him.   
"Just wanted to be sure."

They're beautiful like this, moving with a gentle grace that makes him think that they could easily belong into the same space as the paintings they work with. Even rummaging frustratedly through the pockets of their joggers on the hunt for a condom Jeno thinks they look pretty, their ass up in the air in a way that he assumes isn't completely coincidental.

The sight isn't particularly _sexy_ to Jeno in the way it'd probably been to their past partners but it fills him with endearment and the wish to run his hands over their hips and splay them out over their thighs, soaking up their body heat. In his mind, their pleasured expression is delicate and understated in a way most people who don't know better wouldn't suspect. Jaemin is usually big and ostentatious with their presence as if to deflect from their weak spots and it works. Their friendly demeanour and generosity make it easy to gloss over the weak links in the chains and the chips in their armour.

But when it comes to opening up Jaemin is fragile and has always been. Watching them open up is like witnessing a flower blooming, cheesy as it sounds. Jeno has no better explanation for it. He'll admit that he's never witnessed that in person either but that is beside the point. If he had to assume what watching flower petals unfurl under the warm sunlight felt like, it'd probably feel a little receiving Jaemin's trust.

He's so caught up in waxing poetic that when Jaemin hops back onto the bed, the mattress dipping underneath their weight Jeno yelps, startled.

"What were you thinking about?" Jaemin asks and places a kiss on the corner of his mouth.   
"Also can I touch your dick?"

Jeno swallows nervously before nodding. He has touched himself before and it felt nice. Nervous as he may be, he can't imagine having Jaemin do it being any less pleasurable.

_And if not, rule one still applies._

Jaemin is careful as they work their hand around his length, gently asking for feedback at every step of the way— _more_ , Jeno asks them and they gently tighten their grip until it pulls a needy moan from the pit of Jeno's chest.

"Too much?"  
"Just right," Jeno gasps. They give him a moment to settle before slowly starting to pump his cock, just enough to ensure that he's fully hard before rolling the condom over it with nimble fingers. The sensation of the slick rubber against his skin is strange but not unpleasant enough to distract him from how Jaemin moves again, returning to spreading themselves out underneath him.

"W-wait, no lube?" he asks with a start. His eyes automatically flit to Jaemin's crotch before he can realize and he blushes, quickly averting his gaze.  
"I'd like to try it this way," Jaemin hums and, after a brief moment of contemplation, wipes their fingers off on their thigh. Jeno thinks the consideration towards his bedding is cute even though he's sure they'll have to change the sheets afterwards all the same.

"If it doesn't work we'll just do it differently," Jeno assures even though his voice is trembling. The thought of hurting Jaemin even if accidentally is a horrifying one.

"Yes," Jaemin agrees softly and loop their arms around his shoulders, pulling him down until their foreheads are touching. Their eyes are closed and their breathing sounds a little uneven from up close and Jeno feels a little guilty for taking comfort in how they're both seemingly terrified.

"If we need to we'll stop. We'll take a break– or we'll never do it again," Jeno continues, his voice rough and his tongue clumsy as it forms his words, making him almost stumble over them more than once.

"I trust you to stop if I ask you to, just like I trust you to tell me if you need to stop," Jaemin replies and their laugh, soft and raw, fills Jeno's chest with the flutter of a flock of sparrows taking to the skies.

"We got this, Jeno. And if we don't there's nothing wrong with that. We're giving things a try, remember?"

Jeno feels his throat tighten with nerves.   
"Jaemin, what– what if I fuck up, what if I–"

He's interrupted before he can say any more, Jaemin's fingers light but resolute against his lips.

"Don't say that. You're setting yourself up for failure. This is your first time, it's not going to be perfect. Don't freak yourself out over this."   
They inhale slowly.   
"I agreed to it because I want to be close to you. That's why you asked me too, right?"

Jeno nods, deciding to focus on how Jaemin's callused fingers feel against his lips, redirecting his anxious energy towards committing every little detail to his memory.

"We'll take it slow," they repeat.   
"As long as we're together it'll be okay. I really, really believe that."

🌼

Jaemin is almost unbearably tight and warm. The sensation is strange and even though Jeno is aroused—and he is, make no mistake—it takes him a long moment to get used to it. A long moment that Jaemin spends stroking his cheek and they fill with idle chatter and affectionate touches.

"You good?"  
"Yeah. You too?" Jeno leans in and kisses them briefly but with all of the love he can muster.

"Overwhelmed. A bit weird. But it's not bad."  
" _Not bad_ does not inspire reassurance, Na Jaemin!"

Jaemin huffs out a laugh.   
"You know what I mean, though!"

And Jeno does. Even if Jeno can't truly understand what they feel, he knows what they mean and the relief he feels is exhilarating.

"It feels kind of strange, huh?"  
"It really does."  
Jeno kisses them again, for good measure.

"Tell me what to do next?"

He doesn't know when the strangeness of it all is enough to bear without Jaemin's infinitely tender fingers running through his hair, their hold content to just keep him in place with reassurance. But Jeno adapts and he does so faster than he expected.

Jaemin slowly guides his hands to their hips.

"Try slow thrusts? You don't have to pull out much for them, just try moving a little," they instruct. They're nervous too and Jeno takes a moment to pepper their face with kisses until some of the tension leaves their body again.

Following Jaemin's advice is harder than expected because honestly, Jeno has no idea what he's doing. His reference is their body, the way their fingernails dig into his shoulder blades and how their legs around his waist gently guide him, their heels nudging him in the right direction at the right speed.

Jeno eventually falls into a rhythm that feels natural, watching with a spark of accomplishment how Jaemin starts falling apart underneath him. Their moans lose some of their composure and their legs start shaking around him with until Jeno wraps his hands around their thighs in reassurance; _I'm here_.

The way they clench down around him when the tip of his cock brushes against just the right spot is a lot to process and they slow down and pick up their pace multiple times over. Jeno feels ashamed the first time and launches himself into worriedly checking Jaemin's face for signs of hurt and discomfort to distract himself from the guilt.

"I'm glad I'm doing this with you," Jaemin admits quietly as they still for the third time.   
"I don't regret it. I don't think I could do it any day, or with anyone else, for that matter."   
And there it is again, Jaemin baring their heart, the petals so carefully wrapped around it gently blossoming as if Jeno were the sun.  
"But right now I'm happy."

"I'm happy too," Jeno blurts out and pushes his face into the crook of Jaemin's neck. Immediately, their hand comes up to run through the hair at the base of his skull.  
"I didn't think it would feel like this."  
"Like what?" Jaemin sounds amused and presses their nose into his hair.

"Dunno. Explaining's hard," Jeno grumbles, his thumbs drawing slow, gentle spirals over their hip bones.  
"Words _are_ very tricky. Most treacherous." The playful way Jaemin puts their words feels a little like a weight is being lifted off Jeno's shoulders. It's okay if he can't explain everything right away—or at all. They're doing this together.

And that is the only thing that truly matters.

🌼

Jeno doesn't come. Neither does Jaemin, as a matter of fact. From what he'd heard over the years he'd expected it to feel unsatisfying, to leave him feeling empty and like he wasn't enough but none of that happens.  
Instead, Jaemin eventually, gently asks him to stop and so Jeno does.

"You did so well," they murmur into his temple, allowing him to fall into their arms. They feel warm and welcoming underneath him and Jeno shifts a little in hopes of not threatening to squash their organs by accident.  
"You too," he hums, the adrenaline finally wearing off and leaving him sated and sleepy.

Jaemin's lips pull into a smile and they kiss his forehead before extricating themselves from his hold and disposing of the condom before disappearing into what Jeno realizes is the bathroom when he faintly registers the sound of the toilet flushing. Soon enough, they're back with a warm, damp cloth they hand him to clean up and as he does so, Jeno watches how Jaemin once again moves through the room, pulling a shirt from his closet as if it were their own and throwing it on.

They survey their boxers and scrunch up their nose before getting back on their feet and disappearing back into the hallway, taking Jeno's own forgotten underwear on his chair along.

"I didn't sleep with you to make you clean up my room, I swear," he greets them as they return and notes with pleasure how their eyes light up with mirth.

"Good, because I didn't do that because you had sex with me but because it's gross," they retort cheekily and flop back into bed with him. Their arms come up to wrap around his waist so naturally, Jeno wonders if this is the universe telling them that this is where they belong.

"How're you feeling?" he asks into their hair. Jaemin takes a moment to reply.

"Better. I'm sorry I broke it off like this, it suddenly just–"  
This time around it's Jeno's turn to silence them gently, tilting their face up by their chin to kiss Jaemin.  
"Weren't you the one who told me that asking the other to stop if it doesn't feel good is the most important rule?"  
Jaemin blinks before nodding slowly.

"True. Touché."

"See? We did what felt good and we stopped once it didn't feel good anymore." Jeno smiles.   
"I liked being inside you. I liked the way you touched me and how close we were. But none of it would matter to me if it meant that you'd feel upset or hurt or bad in any shape or form. So just like you'd tell me not to apologize please don't apologize either, you big hypocrite."

Jaemin snorts and it's not a particularly sexy noise, but it's _them_ and it's familiar and Jeno feels his chest swell with love.

"I love you, Nana."  
"Love you too, Nono." They gently pat his chest before pulling his covers up and over both of their bodies.   
"Now sleep. You look like you're five seconds from passing out."

Jeno doesn't remember if he manages to protest before drifting off.

  
🌼

Jeno wakes when Jaemin shifts in his arms, seemingly feeling uncomfortable.  
" _Whazhappenin'_?" Jeno mumbles sleepily, the arm around Jaemin's waist gently petting the small of their back.

"Cramps," comes the curt reply, accompanied by an apologetic half-smile. It takes a moment for Jeno to register what exactly Jaemin means but by the time he's blinking properly awake they've placed one of his outstretched hands on their abdomen. They feel tense, he can sense that even through the fabric of his shirt.

Jeno slows his breathing the same way he learnt during martial arts classes, hoping that his partner will assimilate to the rhythm—to his relief they do. Seconds turn to minutes that stretch into almost a quarter of an hour and Jeno watches as they relax into his arms, the apparent pain they're in easing until Jaemin lets out a low, drawn-out sigh.

"Period?"  
"No, just. Probably emotional. Got too tense or something" Jaemin's voice still sounds a little strained but the warm touch seems to have eased most of their discomfort.  
"I was really nervous," they admit with a sheepish chuckle.

Jeno frowns and kisses their forehead.  
"I'm–" _Sorry_ , he wants to say. His heart aches thinking of how sleeping with him is now causing Jaemin pain but the glare they send him has him snapping his jaw shut already. His teeth clack painfully and he grimaces.

"Don't you dare, Lee Jeno," they huff.   
"I told you that I enjoyed myself and that I don't regret it and I stand by what I said. Don't you dare apologize for something that made me feel good."

One of their hands is still wrapped around the one Jeno has resting against their abdomen.

"This was your first time and you were so, so gentle and mindful of me and my comfort. I won't stand for you guilting yourself into believing you caused me harm."  
"But this isn't supposed to happen, right?" Jeno asks miserably, his fingers gently stroking Jaemin's stomach through their shirt.

"Maybe not, but you couldn't have known. Neither could I, by the way. This isn't your fault." They sigh, deflating a little into his touch.   
"And now you're taking care of me so even if it _had_ been your fault, you're fixing your wrongs."  
They pout.

"I was about to suggest that I could make us lunch but if you're going to be mean to yourself I'm not cooking for you."  
Jeno perks up.  
"Are you feeling good enough to cook?"

Jaemin takes a deep breath, their stomach expanding underneath Jeno's hand.  
"Yeah, I think I'm good enough to move."  
"Forget I ever said anything, then," he hums and kisses them on the mouth. Jaemin laughs into the kiss and returns it fervently before slipping out of his arms.

"I'm getting fresh underwear," they declare resolutely, hands on their hips. "And then we're having food. What do you want me to make?"

Jeno sits up, careful to cover himself with the sheet. Jaemin notes it with an endeared giggle and he feels his cheeks flushing a little.  
"Egg-fried rice? Please?"  
Jaemin gives him one last peck on the nose.

"You're kind of predictable, you know that?"  
"You like it, though."  
"I do."

  
🌼

"Hey, Nana?"

The rice is fizzling peacefully in the frying pan and the entirety of their kitchen and living room smells like food. Jeno can't wait for lunch. Jaemin acknowledges his question with a curious hum.

"I know you keep being careful about this because you don't want me to get my heart broken but I really, _really_ don't mind that you're not romantically attracted to me, yeah?"  
Jeno leans his cheek into his palm and closes his eyes, the warmth and comfort of the kitchen wrapping him into a rare state of peace.

"This has always been all I wanted. I feel loved in any way I'd ever need to be. So if you'll have me I–"

Jeno's eyes fly open when he hears something clatter. Jaemin is moving the frying pan off the stove, their hands shaking almost imperceptively. Immediately, he's on his feet, aching to help.

"Is there anything–"  
"Damn you, Lee Jeno," Jaemin wails. There are tears glistening in their eyes when they turn around.   
"I already seasoned the food, you can't make me cry now–"

Jeno pulls them into his arms and immediately, they return the hug.

"I don't care if you're not in love with me as long as you love me," he gently reiterates. Jaemin sobs. Jeno hurts thinking about how much he knows this has been weighing on them for most of their adult life; the guilt of wanting companionship when they weren't made to return romantic feelings.

People don't give their emotional strength nearly as much credit as it warrants because of how open and straightforward they are with how they feel and the fact that this conversation is enough to break their composure is a testament to how painful lugging all of it around with them must be.

"I want you to be happy," Jaemin sniffles into his shoulder.  
"And I am. I am so happy to be by your side, so please don't worry about my heart, yeah? I don't regret being in love with you in the least and if you'd have me–"  
Jeno wets his lips and gently pulls Jaemin to an arm's length so he can look them in the face. Reluctantly, they follow.

"If you'd have me I'd like for us to be a _us_. We can decide what that means for ourselves. Would that be okay?"

🌼

Sex, so Lee Jeno learns, is a little overrated. Having sex changes nothing drastic about his existence. Losing his virginity doesn't suddenly strip him of his virtue, nor does it make him any more of a twenty-five year old than he was before.

Sex, at the root of it all, is an expression of feelings—in his and Jaemin's case it's love and trust and affection, years upon years of getting to know each other over and over again, learning to live with the bad and love the good.

All things considered, Jeno doesn't gain anything groundbreaking.   
But it teaches him yet another way to show Jaemin how much he loves them and if you ask him, that's more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> ( [meow](http://curiouscat.qa/perseidbunny) | [chirp](http://twitter.com/perseidbunny) )


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